MySpace Blog Posts 2007

Continuing the transfer…

Wednesday, November 28, 2007 what it means to be a mother
Current mood: indescribable
the tiny little baby who grew inside my belly turned five last week.

he is turning into a person right before my eyes. a person with feelings and thoughts and opinions and fears

and we have survived five years.

we have survived four years alone….

and maybe no one will ever really know exactly what that means to me…but we have made it this far…

me and the tiny little person whose heart beat inside of me.

we lay on an inflatable mattress today and watched tv. he laid his head on me and I felt so close to being perfect. I felt so close to being real. and sometimes all the things I feel have no words no words at all/

I’ve probably mentioned this in a previous blog…but the most beautiful words I have ever heard come from another persons mouth….my son saying..”mum, you are comfortable for me”

YOU are comfortable for me. you are fear for me. you are joy for me. you are life for me.

Everyday the messy choices I have made lead me straight to you.


happy birthday little one

Friday, November 09, 2007 fighting with the passion
Current mood: peaceful
I read something today ……passionate people live violent lives…..

and it made me think of all of you….the intensity…the drive…the passion….the world imploding into our skin….

it made me think of starting all over again

I thought of all the thoughts in my head. chasing me around and driving me to the brink of wanting more than this….and I thought about his hands on my skin and the tragedies we create for ourselves and how utterly absolutely real it all was. and it FEELS like a dream. but its not. I was there. and you were all there with me. Once upon a dream when we were all children with adult toys and adult words and adult loves underneath our faces….and we threw words and pots and sometimes rocks and tables. but FUCK did we love each other. I loved you all. and I am grateful for all the pain you put me thru. all the tears I cried for you… I know what passion is….I know what violence is….I see you in the lines on my hands and you are BEAUTIFUL to me. I will never live with that same intensity and for that I am glad but the layers of that echo will make my peace sweeter and fuller and my passion will be just as REAL for having had you to laugh with and cry with and breathe with in the slums of elizabeth…

I can feel my body aching to stretch beyond the limits of my skin.

I talked today about unreliable people and immature people. and people growing up and falling down and most of all I talked and thought about where to head from here.

I’m scared. really scared. but I’m excited too. about the future. about the stairs I have yet to tumble down. scary but exciting.

I think I’m ready to face the world again. so there you go. Look out world…..

I am ok to be me

Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Current mood: confused
sometimes. sometimes she feels so close.

to touching the inside edges of who she really is.

and her breath catches in her body and time stops for her while she waits to pass into that moment brushing the edge of what she could be.

and who she is.

she’s scared and afraid and all the other words that mean that too. but mostly shes hoping and shes aching for more than this brittle feeling she cant quite shake.

and maybe shes nearly halfway to okay.

but who can tell. who would know.

she makes the same complaints. spills the same dreams from her lips over and over again. and still shes not gaining time only losing faith.

and we’re halfway to nowhere else still. and shes asking for you to see you left her behind and she was never strong. she was just strong for you because you needed her too…

and sometimes when that feeling reaches beneath her skin. shes not so far from giving in. the colours of the line that keep her safe smell something like the lies that built the gate.

and shes halfway to being ok.

her eyes shut a little and she reaches into something.

its all or never again. she’ll run from you someday. with her hair streaming back from her head. and no longer her aches weighing on her like lead. it’ll be just as it should.

just as it would. and she’ll remake her life with playdough and lego and the bubbles they’ll blow into the sky. they’re sending her promises out there to you.

her skin will wear away a little, her hair will fall a little flat and her body will line and age with … but she’ll still be there…waiting to be there

Sunday, September 23, 2007 the feeling you give to me
Current mood: loved
I love my family

i am so proud to be theirs

Wednesday, September 19, 2007
over the melancholy waiting hating game
Current mood: determined
your pretty little face stares at me from the glossy page. and I’ve got nothing. nothing to say. nothing to offer. there are vultures everywhere. waiting for you to stumble. scared that you will shine. I see it glowing from inside of you.

and all the things you believe yourself to be will fall from you skin. and you will shine for you.

you are perfectly you


today I woke up and the clock read its half past the end of this. theis borken moment is tired of counting the aches in your hands. and its over now. its time to give yourself a little credit. to plaster that grin on your face and take the time to throw you head back into the wind.

do I really want to learn to fly? whose life am I in anyway???

I’m sifting through the left overs of my pride and building a new disaster to make myself proud again….

Tuesday, August 28, 2007
are you honest with the world?
Current mood: chipper
are you honest with yourself?

with the people you love?

everyone lies sometimes…..

I wrote the following earlier this year when I was having a breakdown…theres some honesty for you…..

4th february 2007

I looked at you today. and I felt my heart aching with how much I love you. how beautiful you are to me. I see your round soft body. your tired, lined and sometimes harsh face. and I feel inside of me this warm glow of affection. Can you just look into my eyes and see how beautiful you are? Can you love yourself a little more?

Be a little less tired, a little less cranky, laugh a little more. life is short. life can be sweet. I love you mama.

I never wanted my family to know the truth. I didnt want them to know I’d made myself a victim.

27th february 2007

I try to hide the need in me

keep it somewhere even I cant find

its a comedy I’m trying to write

the story of my life.

19th march 2007

I’m a little lost right now. A little not quite right inside my skin. I have these moments. I go right through them sometimes without pausing.

but not today

I didnt realise the road beneath my feet was changin until all of a sudden I find myself standing here with no road beneath my feet at all.

So how do I get myself to somewhere? out of this empty space?

fuck I have so much to learn. I’m very frightened of all the mistakes I will have to make to learn all the things I need to know.

4th april 2007

you think you must be loved by someone and you hunger for the phone to ring to be connected again.

you measure your worth by the messages you have at the end of a long day. the accumulated emails at the end of a week. and when you find you have none you feel small and alone. because everyone is too busy to think of me and I dont know where I belong. anymore.

you try to eat your way into meaning. fill that empty void with tastes and sounds. its not food or even fear thats the problem. its just that you’re not busy enough to love yourself. you fall into the murky waters of sleep when you wake you feel so heavy and your curves are rounding out because you’re afraid to leave the house and love yourself enough to say hello. today I hate myself but I know the feeling will go away.

can you be a “family” if there are only two people?

I wish soup could still fix a broken heart…

May 2007

so I change my mind a lot. I go through phases. sometimes I value myself and sometimes I dont. I’m feeling better.

There are things I think and feel that I’m too scared to write down or say aloud. because then I might have to stop being so passive. I might have to stop lying to myself. I might have to start fighting for what I want.

thats why sometimes I go to bed so late. because I’m waiting. I’m waiting for it all to be different.

but it never is

May is always my worst month. the month I have the most trouble coping. sometimes when I wake up I just cant breathe. I just cant let go and it weighs down on me so heavily.

and I’m just telling everyone lies to keep them at bay. SO they wont worry about me. But I really just want to run away.

from me and everything I am and everything I’ll never be.

I cant forgive myself for being small. I see the echo of who you could have been everywhere I go.

I feel so small and out of control. I think sometimes if I didnt have zach I wouldnt bother. I love you little boy.

and then this the other day

21st august 2007

I’m waiting for something inside of my skin to fold into itself and reveal this restlessness to me. I want to peel it away like faded skin and be brand new again. I’m trying to build the hope like a wave inside my chest. To say yes you have and can beat yourself. All the limitations you tell yourself- are merely smoke obscuring your vision. My vision. Because this other-this you- is really me. its my way of reminding myself to listen.

somaybe with all of that what I’m trying to say is that its ok. maybe whats important isnt what I’m searching for but just that I am searching….and maybe its ok to lie sometimes. maybe thats the only way to get through and really love each other.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007 hysteria
Current mood: tired
so my grammar is terrible and my words flail about somewhat like a dying fish.

but I’m ok with that

I’ve been sliding over into somewhere else..running over the edges of the lines..the orange crayon is bleeding into my eyes.

I’m about ready to choose a sign. a road to travel for a little while.

I’m nearly there. I’m so close I ache

Wednesday, July 11, 2007 just randomness thoughts. stuff. maybe a song one day
Current mood: creative
I’m trying to stand not so close to myself.

trying not to close the gap I know is hanging there.

I’ve layered all these lies above my skin.

but we cant go back.

I’m tired. so tired.

of getting it all wrong. of getting it all right.

lets wait for tomorrow for the sun to rise.

I believe it will be just fine.

I say something. I say anything. to get me by. to get me through.

but you dont see and I dont know the truth.

its all between us. like the pictures on a page.

you’re the echo of a memory. a perfect frozen moment

but time marches on.

and whatever else you choose to be.

I will be exactly just perfectly me.

by the way I discovered I like camomile tea the other day!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007 this hunger never leaves.
Current mood: cheerful
hello there.

welcome to my head. well part of it anyway

I sat in the ruins of my washing basket with blood running down my shins and I laughed. Really laughed in a way I havent for a while. I was trying to do a handstand.

my leg is still throbbing nearly a week later. its good to be alive.

I started waitressing at the pub yesterday. For anyone that is counting I am now working four jobs. I think I need to quit something because I never have the time lately to be the friend I should. but its ok. I’ll figure it.

I dreamed about the dust again. the land calling me. In ballarat I dreamt about the river every night. its something that comes and goes for me.

this restlessness. this hunger.

and I feel like the biggest part of me is smiling.

we had a good day today. even though I spent three hours of it at the chaffey.

zach and I went shopping. I let him pick some new clothes for both of us. He has good taste for a four year old.

I left somrthing behind in ballarat. I dont know what it was. and I dont know how to get it back.

I want to be a professional friend. Cant I do that for a living. It gives me joy to give you joy. It gives me depth even to feel your sorrow.

maybe we’re always close to the edge.

I like being safe. but maybe thats bad for me. maybe I’m ready to start taking a risk. so maybe next time I see you I’ll tell you what I really think and to hell with the consequnces. maybe one day soon I will pack up the car with my baby and drive into my adventure.

maybe the best thing about today is that I forgave myself for the things I didnt do today. I’m learning

Sunday, July 01, 2007 he doesnt see what we see. they never do
Current mood: indescribable
he’s beautiful

he doesnt see what we see

sometimes its his innocence

his lack of tact and deeper understanding

its the awkward way he holds his shoulders and the way he never takes his shirt off

its something in his face that says I am afraid

his lip shakes. his eyes grab at you and my heart breaks because

what I think is

you are so beautiful

so great

so full of potential. please be proud of yourself. please unlock your shoulders and smile.

you look so young when you smile

you bend yourself into your fears.

I hold my fear in my hands

I wrap my fingers around themselves. i bite my skin,. I bleed to make myself believe.

have a little faith

breathe a little deeper


this is not related to the above.

Maybe just maybe it would be nice to be somebody’s somebody.

I’m over being afraid of loving someone. did you know that? that I’m afraid. The past has changed me so much. I’m afraid to fall. I’m afriad to laugh. to flick my hair. To say Yes. I’m afraid that it will be just like before.

the glittering heap of broken promises he left me with. The closing doors of my heart in his crooked hands. All the ways I believed I wasnt good enough or strong enough.

Maybe I have a fatal flaw. Like in Greek Tragedy. Maybe I’m just running.

whatever you think I am you probably will never know me as well as I might like you too. the words in my head are there. its just when they come out. they fall into my hands like tangled hair. silky and ruined.

All I can hear in my head is the sounds of doors closing. All I can see is an empty triangle. You still haunt me little girl.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007
tired in a hopeful kind of way
Current mood: contemplative
its been that kind of month.

the kind that pulls you beneath the water.

the kind that sucks you dry

may is the hardest month for me to get through..always and forever.

you pull against me. you keep me

I have leanrt not to fear myself. that if I fall and everyone laughs so be it.

that the worst that can happen often isnt THAT bad.

that you do love us. that no matter how awkward I feel what I have to say has a place in your life

I like the beach.

I like your hands

all people should taste salt.

all people should cry until they laugh and laugh until they cry.

all people should give up one thing they truly love at least once in their life

all people should just breathe

everytime I cry for you I find out just how strong I am

If you are my friend and you are reading this. I am sorry if I take a long time to reply to messages or it feels like I am always busy. I do love you and I do think about you.

sometimes my memory fails me.

I’m building my life. feel free to donate bricks. or windows. we all need more windows in our lives.

with heart

Saturday, April 21, 2007 making a fool of myself…
so I’m not believing in my dreams.

and I’m letting myself down.

and mostly I’m just trying too hard.

I’m having another one of my moments.

last night I visted a place in the riverland with one of my friends. and we laughed and joked but moslty felt stupid and not quite connected.

did I miss the part of life where you learn how to relate to other people????

every time we started a conversation with someone (as in people we actually know) it just kind of petered out and either us or them would lose interest and wander off. it was weird and kind of depressing.

after about two hours of that we just gave up and sat on a couch and made up stories about strangers.

am I really that boring?

apprarently so.

it must be me. logically it just cant be everyone else. so it must be me. there is officially something wrong with me.

even when I try I cant be normal.

normal people just dont get how lucky they are I swear.

sons of scotland unite.

I feel so unbelievably depressed right now. you have no idea.

Sunday, April 08, 2007 re-connecting
Current mood: grateful
the past few weeks have been a time of change for me.

a journey.

I have re-discovered and re-connected with a number of people from my past. some who I thought were forever lost and others who I’d forgotten.

and I discovered something really interesting about myself.

that others value me.

I always thought that most people I went to school with and was “friends” with thought I was a bit of a joke or a bit weird or just staight out didnt like me.

well apparently that was mostly in my head.

I’ve been leaving friends behind my whole life and I didnt even realise. so I’m sorry. I was wrong. I’m an idiot.

and I’m grateful.

without even knowing it all of you. especially you leonie you have helped me to re-discover my past and how important that is to me. so thankyou.

I have found that understanding where we have come from helps us to move forward and the past month has really re-affirmed that for me.

I have my uncle andrew’s guitar now. he died last year just before christmas. is it weird that I now have two guitars and a keyboard but I dont know how to play any of them??? hmmm…..its on my list of things to do/learn.

I am learning to be patient with myself.

I love the river. I love the way it smells. the way it moves. the way it breathes inside of me. zach and I walked to the river today and watched stupid people fall off their skis. zach asked if he could pat the ducks. I held his little warm body on my lap as the evening settled over us and I felt calm for the first time all weekend.

I wish soup could fix a broken heart.

I feel like I have something to say but I cant quite decide what it is…..

Thursday, March 29, 2007
discovering the fringe and the fear within
Current mood: full
I went to the fringe for the first time ever….


I saw Tim Minchin who is so fucken rock.

I also saw Juvie staged by a righteous drama. The young guys were great in the moment but I thought the quality of their film content really let them down which was a bit disappointing. Overall I thought they did a great job tho expecially being a young cast and directors/producers and everything.

I bought some red reading glasses from the reject shop

I popped out the lenses and wore them nearly all day yesterday.

I hung out with my brother james and bored him to death.

I accidently kissed a man I know and that was weird.

I watched people in rundle mall and they were all so beautiful that I cried for a little bit right there were everyone could see me.

I’d like to quote Tim Minchin peace anthem for isreal and palestine in relation to the above

so you dont eat pigs

and I dont eat pigs

why dont we not eat pigs together.

I’m also going to quote agatha christie again…just because this quote says it all so well

“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.”

I had a really nice breakfast yesterday. in fact I think I am still full.

Monday, March 26, 2007 taking some time to be miserable
so take another breath and breath a little deeper…

I’m not exaclty sure where this is coming from.

I will tell you that some people are too beautiful to watch. and that narelle you make my heart ache. coz you are special either way you go

I’m a little dis-connected right now and not quite where I should be.

I’m feeling a little like every one has moved on and I left myself behind. its not that anything is wrong. coz it isnt. life is great. I dont lack for anything but somehow strangely I’m not feeling quite right either.

maybe its just time to have a cry.

I made all these plans. took all these steps. and suddenly I’m the one without a plan.

and how did that even happen? I’m liking being lost. in a wallowing kind of way. its teaching me to remember the lessons I’ve already learned.

I am ok.

I’m going to go and watch dead poets society and tomorrow I am going to adelaide with my brother to see some fringe shows. hopefully I dont bore him too much.

michael hugged zach and I today. like really hugged us without me asking him or being coerced. for anyone who knows my family thats a big deal. it was nice. I nearly cried. just didnt want him to think his big sister is a total freak.

I want to find something that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve lost the passion a little lately, I’m trying too hard to care. and it shouldnt be that hard. where is my niche?

I’m thinking too much again. its a trouble I have sometimes.

why do people always say when one door closes another one opens? coz in real life if a door shuts you can just open it again. sometimes I hate real life.

I like my world a little better.

Monday, March 19, 2007 writing. thinking. believeing somehow. coz thats what I do.
Current mood: drained
I thought it was about time I wrote another blog and put some new stuff on myspace.

so I am learning and I am growing.

how are you doing?

I started a new job. I mostly suck but its ok. i only spilled one beer and it was one me.

It was my birthday yesterday so now I am 22. I had a thought that perhaps it was time to grow up now but then it went away.

yesterday my son said the most beautiful precious thing to me. he said “mummy, you are comfortable for me”. he is four.

I believe I am a little lost right now. and that suprises me somewhat.

so there you go.

I have found that I am weak and I perhaps like me a little that way. I have found that I dont like talking about my feelings as much as my friends think I do. I have found that I am not as brave as I would like to be. I have found I need to work on that.

I like the rain. and today it rained.

last night I cried and I’m not even exactly sure why.

I walked to the river with my son. we watched some guy fall off his water skis. zach told me there were lions on zangari island. we walked home in the dark. and everything smelt like a weird mix of leaves and car fumes and the river and stale cigarettes and I felt a little safer and a little more scared.

and I thought about all the layers of my life.

I thought about neil and how I cried when he died. not because he died but because no-one told me he had died.

and then I really did cry because he died. and that was three years ago now. it was weird. and it hurt. and I’m sorry for all the ways I’ve been wrong…

and I picked up his jumper today and I could still smell davoren park.

today I looked at random girls photos

and I remembered another world. a world full of dreams.

I ate a paket of skittles. a big packet. my head kind of hurts.

and I cant turn my kitchen hot water tap off.

I am grateful.

Iam grateful for all the things I have. the best thing about being me is that I’m not someone else.

I think I’m done now. a little over baked maybe. so until next time. laugh. at yourself. at life. at me. whatever. just laugh.

Monday, March 19, 2007 my birthday…..the silence of my choices….
so how do people get through this?

through the silence

through the time of not belonging here….mostly through the fear?

I keep all of that inside myself, dont at all know the power to give in and let myself be me.

you tell me its ok

I say yes

but who will sit with me in the silence of my choices? this is when I feel it most – after the echoes fade of your happy voices…

because to be loved and alone is such a big contrast

and I know who I am but I’m not sure who to be……

the choice to make so I can just be me

I need a little bit of time to find some peace of mind…

Monday, March 12, 2007 well. maybe thats just how the cookie crumbles. family is a complicated demon. a facet of love
Current mood: thoughtful
I’m going to pretend that I know all the right words to say. that I make no mistake.

I’m so sick of making excuses for you. for me.

we wrap our words around the darkness in our heads.

breathe a little deeper

hold on a little longer

I wish I would listen to you more. I wish I could shut myself up and stop the record form skipping over and over and over again. but its a journey isnt it and I’m learning.

I want to ask you “are you ok” but I know you wont tell me. you’ll just shrug maybe and I will go home and cry for you.

I’m making up excuses. I’m writing my own dictionary. is there anything you think you need to say to me?

Saturday, January 27, 2007
life is a journey…I’m just babbling today
all seems right in my world

maybe there is a little too much pleasure. but its ok. I know the pain will come.

life is a journey. are you enjoying it?

I say it all the time


life really is too short

I never want to run out of smiles.

today I slept in. now I am watching looney tunes catoons with my son.

I am so grateful for this life I have.

so grateful

the sun is shining. my grass is green. the wind is just right in my hair. life is good.

I nearly wrote goof. its a bit of that maybe too.

I’m an angry kind of person. so sue me. I like to be on fire.

enjoy 2007 everyone. visit me. 🙂

is january over already?

gee…that was quick

Saturday, January 27, 2007 I want to make you all better. but you’re not mine to fix
I believe

in the promise of tomorrow

I cry for you inside even though I know you cant hear me. I see those tears in your eyes. the ones you’re trying so hard to hide.


like you are alone in the dark/

your voice crakles a little bit.

I believe

in hope

run with me little one. run with me.

I feel empowered. like my whole life is changing.

I like men. its nice to feel beautiful sometimes.

even if it doesnt mean anything


laugh with me.

Sunday, January 07, 2007 really really awake right now
Current mood: bouncy
lets all laugh some more. and make music til our souls are bleeding

my nana shrugs and says “we will just have to start again” there is a gum tree laying on the caravan she lives in. I wonder how many times in her life she has started again?

life sucks if you want it too.

so who is going to be at my giant 30th birthday. I realise I’m only 21 but I’m just checking ok!!!!!

some people slide through our lives like ghosts. some people never leave.

would you just fuck off already

I’m like to quote matchbox twenty- they explain my soul better-

“All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like Im headed for a breakdown
And I dont know why


But Im not crazy, Im just a little unwell
I know right now you cant tell
But stay awhile and maybe then youll see
A different side of me
Im not crazy, Im just a little impaired
I know right now you dont care
But soon enough youre gonna think of me
And how I used to be…me

Im talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know theyve all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow Ive lost my mind


But Im not crazy, Im just a little unwell
I know right now you cant tell
But stay awhile and maybe then youll see
A different side of me
Im not crazy, Im just a little impaired
I know right now you dont care
But soon enough youre gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Ive been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon theyll come to get me
Yeah, theyre taking me away


But Im not crazy, Im just a little unwell
I know right now you cant tell
But stay awhile and maybe then youll see
A different side of me
Im not crazy, Im just a little impaired
I know right now you dont care
But soon enough youre gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, Im just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
Im just a little unwell”

I decided this year I will actually finish something I start. can someone keep track of that to remind me.

I thought I might even buy a diary this year and try not to lose it.

its not even that I’m unreliable. I just forget things.

like my shoes

hey who wants to come to the beach with me and run into the water in our clothes and our bare feet on the sand?

hmmmmm……what idiot ever gave chocolate to woman??

is it a bad sign when the thought of having a cat is too much commitment? and dreading the thought of a partner?

someone broke the lock

I like my space.

I’m glad I dont live in cyclone country.

fancy that

I miss you. you know who you are. or maybe you dont. whatever

honesty bites doesnt it. lets all lie a little.

I miss movement class. I miss RYT workshops. c’mon someone make art with me so I can be on fire again.

I swear that I didnt eat any sugar straight out of the jar today. I promise.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007 heidi. just coz I’m thinking of you.
Current mood: melancholy
maybe we’re all scared. maybe its not just me. you dont know how much I want to reach my hands into your soul and smooth away all the pain.

so tell me when you are going to be ok again? tell me when I can cook you lunch and we can drink tea like french ladies with our french cologne. tell me when you’re ready to cry, I will be there to catch your tears for you.

I believe that life knows how much we can handle. life knows how strong we are.

your courage always reveals itself to you slowly. like a lover peeling yor clothes from your body. like a flower opening to the sun. you just have to wait. and your courage will be there one day. waiting for you naked to understand.

I yelled at my son the other day. For crying. I promised I would never do that. coz my parents did that to me. and I was angry. at them. at me. its ok to cry my baby. I’m sorry. I ‘m sorry I yelled at you.

I dont know what the answer is. I havent even figured out the question yet. I know that even the bad days now are better than the fairly good days from back then. to reveal a life.

thats what we’re really doing

revealing our lives to ourselves.

I dont know how to give you back what you’ve lost. but maybe somewhere inside of you, you do.

this is the journey. this very moment.

it can be beautiful.

I’m trying to find the thing narelle said but I cant find it, the gist is “what is the perfect parent? what is the perfect child? has anyone ever pulled through with this perfectness and said there, thats what you do?”

I’m thinking of you ok. I believe in you even if you’re not ready to believe in yourself.

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